today was a rough day. my self esteem seems to have dropped or be easily swayed since I began my new job. the adjustment is harder than I thought and I’m not getting positive feedback most of the time. I can tell my coworkers are annoyed with me not hearing them or messing something up. it was hard to cope with that feedback today. I was told my latte looked like garbage so that’s rad. I’m just not understanding fully what they’re saying sometimes. prior to that comment, I was about to pour milk and it was stated during that time to “just pour it all in quickly”. me, not having any idea he was talking about pouring the espresso quickly into the cup, poured my milk quickly into the cup and therefore didn’t get art out. it’s things like that where the communication has a break and it feels like it’s always me that’s the one out of the loop.

I had a hard time this morning keeping my feelings together. my coworkers visibly huff when I ask them to repeat what they said, and oh my gosh the look on their faces when I mess up drinks.. I got asked today why there was so much milk in my pitcher. I DONT KNOW CHAD MAYBE CAUSE THERE’S NO MEASUREMENTS ON THE PITCHER AND I’M NOT FULLY ABLE TO JUDGE APPROPRIATELY. like god damn sorry I poured too much milk. it’s gonna end up going back in the fridge to get steamed again later anyway which is basically a crime in the coffee industry but that’s another topic. it was just thing after thing this morning me fucking up or not doing things in the right order and my coworkers getting visibly frustrated. it makes me sad and also is just frustrating myself. no I don’t remember yesterday when you told me to toast the shit out of this one specific person’s bagel and sorry I didn’t pour the milk before starting the espresso. good god damn. anyway, all that to say that my heart had a tough time sifting through those feelings. I know I’m learning and I’m neurodivergent and their reactions are not on me but it doesn’t make it hurt less. one of them asked me today if I felt comfortable here. first of all, today is just not the day to ask, I feel very alienated, and second, having visible lack of patience makes me very uncomfortable. I’m trying my hardest to fit in but it seems like the battle is uphill.

I do forget that being in a small town means dealing with small town american folks. most times, it’s a slap in the face reminder that you’re different and you stand out. sometimes, I enjoy being the change, but days like today make it difficult to digest being the odd duck when you’ve spent your whole life trying to learn your way out of it. my capacity for quick thinking is low. I need time to process and I need space to be myself. I’m disappointed in how down I’m feeling because I know the logic brain gets it. I know better. I know my positive affirmations and things to make me feel better, but regardless, today was a tough start.

they did get better. it’s friday, two weeks into school. we’re starting to get more comfortable with each other and I’m being included and considered which is really cool. we mostly did computer work today and played pictionary which was annoyingly difficult. the things ranged from “barbering shears” to “counting money”. super obscure. I expected it to have more to do directly with the chapter we were reviewing. we got out of class a little early today and I chose to stop by and pick myself up some food as a little treat.

let’s talk about you guys. I’m sure I’ll say a billion times how sorry I am for not reaching out and then continue to not reach out, just know not only do I think of you all often, but I really do bear the weight of feelings on that one. I feel guilt and shame that I’m not reaching out and a lot of social exhaustion from even considering a phone call or having to keep up a text conversation. I love you all dearly though and want to acknowledge that I can’t do as much as I know you all deserve.

my mental has been weird the last few days or so. things are usually hard to do but I’m feeling much more apathetic and angry I have to participate. I swear my logic gets that things are good and I’m excited to have chosen this path and I’m doing all these things, etc cause this bitch over here fighting my emotion brain that thinks everything sucks. my body is heavy and motivation is little to none. I already dread going into work every morning and having to wake up and do it all over again. I hate having to do my stupid little routines of things that are good for me like stretching and my little morning run. I’m not proud I’m doing it, I’m angry I have to. I’m not sure why my brain is like this or really how to make things better which is extremely frustrating and exhausting. I’m feeling like I’m fighting to get through the day just to get home and get it over with, and then to wake up and do it all over again. I don’t think I’m truly unhappy, I just think my brain wants to make everything a problem. it’s a usual thing that happens, but it’s been worse these last few days.

I do get to travel at the end of next week which will hopefully help reboot the system. also, we start cutting hair monday. I am super stoked to see how it goes. I’ve got to remember to pack. I do enjoy living here and my current situation, but I do miss exploring this big world.