today was an odd day. I spent a third of it fumbling through work, and the other third spent on getting through school. the last bit was how my alone time turned into going out for a short period.

my wake up began with ease. nothing out of the norm. I head into work. for some reason, I could not get my shit together. I also have a self diagnosed sensory processing disorder because my ability to understand what people are saying is poorly. today was frustrating at work, both for me, and my coworkers. I’ve been down about it most of today. I lack the ability to change my own internal functioning. it’s extremely difficult to hear people. my brain turns words into mush, I think I’m hearing something different than I am, or I just don’t recognize conversation directed towards me. I feel just as frustrated as everybody else is dealing with me. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated. I can’t make myself better either. I wish my brain didn’t do this either but here we both are, okay? I wish my brain could digest speech better, but it takes me a while. I know I frustrated my coworkers. I’m just trying the best I can to process the world around me. it feels like a losing battle. I guess it’s not a losing battle, maybe more a consistent battle. it’s difficult to watch the people around me get frustrated and react that way. I’ve been having a difficult time processing those feelings today.

also, my coworker informed me not to ask people what kind of milk they wanted, and just to assume whole dairy milk. to take that out of my script takes a lot of effort. he mentioned that regular customers were commenting on it and it’s unnecessary presence in the conversation. this is where it hit me how this small town operates. I have never been so shaken up about being told not to ask people their milk choice. this really has gotten under my skin all day, unfortunately. to have such a direct issue with that question is beyond me. look, I know how I present, okay? I try to work with it, stand tall, and be proud of who I am, but it’s taxing always being the one who shakes up the status quo of a tiny little town of white people in rural america. I enjoy doing it to allow people a look into the diversity of humans but I also don’t need the small town gossip attention over me asking about your milk choice. I enjoy staying inside.

school today was quick and easy. we got our smocks in today so we’ll look all professional. I got to bond with a classmate which was great for my self esteem. slowly, I’ll fit in with the boys. they’ll care for me by the end of the year, I think.

went out with a girl tonight to the yarrow taproom. super cool place! nothing too worth noting. she works with insects though which is one of my special interests. I got a yummy gin and tonic with gin made in cederedge, co. I was more tired than interested but look guys! I did it! I went out and socialized outside of work and stuff! yay me!

it’s friday tomorrow woot! then we start cutting hair in class monday! I’m so excited. at the end of the week, heading back to the camp I just came from Glen Echo for a previous coworker’s birthday. after that, heading to omaha for my high school reunion. gotta remember to pack, heck. this big world really keeps me on my toes.