today was a rough one, I’m not gonna lie. it’s one of those rough days you can’t do anything but respond to people’s “how are you?” with “good” and a petty smile, and even then, it’s hard to keep it all together. I’m tired. but not in the physical exhaustion way or even the burned out way. I’m just so emotionally drained from doghouse. every day has become a struggle. the last two days were good actually, however, today, things were back to normal with my coworker, and obviously not the good normal. he’s really getting to me and I am having a very difficult time keeping myself together and protected. my energy has been so deeply waivered. I’m so tired of messing up. I’m tired of every fuckin thing I do being wrong, some way or another. and the sad part is that most of the time, the thing I’m doing doesn’t warrant the kinds of reactions I’m getting.

I understand my coworker is just trying to make things nice and do them the way he’s always done them, but not all of those things work for me. the biggest deal is my memory. I have such a hard time remembering things which really ruins my ability to do the things he can/expects of me. I know why I struggle so hard with my memory and it’s because I’m so busy trying to fit into society while also trying to meet my needs while also trying to meet other’s expectations while also trying to listen to what the customer is saying and also write it down on the cups and get food and prep drinks and trying to remember it all and do it all at the same time. and the fuckin lights are too bright and there’s always a changing beeping or ringing noise coming from who knows what. I’m just trying so hard, but then my trying so hard becomes a problem too. I just consistently feel and am treated like I can’t do anything right and it’s becoming a deeper woven inner dialog that I’m fighting now both at and away from work. the fact that this is seeping into my personal life so deeply has taken over my being. I already fight tooth and nail to keep my own head above water without drowning in the sad thoughts and feelings everyday. I don’t need difficulty at work in the first place, much less added weight of feelings I’m already fighting from someone else.

there is some good though. today I had a full circle moment that I’ve been trying to process and will have to continue through the acknowledgement, accountability, and action stages. this one’s rough. the sayings always go something like “others are just a reflection of you” and today, I absolutely got smacked by that truth. I’ve been deeply considering why my coworker’s behavior and my feelings have been so deeply affecting me. I considered those sayings and why this hurts so bad, besides the obvious, so here goes..

the way I seem to be getting treated seems very similar to the way my ex described how I behaved when we were together.

the consistent anger, everything he did was wrong or upset the fuck out of me, and I know I am not a kind person when I’m angry or bothered. that’s a work in progress. I know I was angry and bitter all the time and though it came from a good place, or at least I thought, the things being said and the behaviors were still aggressive, hurtful, and made him feel like I didn’t like him. that’s how I’m feeling with the way I’m being treated now. that truth has been a hard pill to swallow all day. I did reach out to him to chat, which we will do again on tuesday, but I really just want to acknowledge my actions, take accountability, and thoroughly apologize. I think it’ll be helpful to many current healing processes. my heart aches for him. I’m going to thank him for loving me through all of that and seeing the good in me. he did a lot of hard work every day to be with me. he deserves that much. I have/had so much love for that man and I really do think he deserves the world. he’s a special one for sure. whoever he ends up with will be a lucky person and I hope they see the gem in him that I do. even a year later, things are still challenging when it comes to the breakup. lots of processing still.

overall, I’m doing a lot of physical and mental work everyday and that weight has to get heavy at some point. today, it just weighed a ton. I couldn’t hold it all by myself today and that’s okay. some days are like that. besides that, things are going well in school and otherwise. today, I finished up the 0 degree cut I was doing on my mannequin. my instructor didn’t even need to fix anything so that was cool. easy haircut, down.

after that, I experimented with some cuts and fading on a mannequin that was from a previous year. I actually did a really solid job, besides the halves being uneven. BUT the blending and fading was good and I matched the style pretty well. it was a great challenge for me and I had fun. I really do enjoy the cutting part of my schooling, though I know we can only do so many. the morning class gets so lucky with all the walk ins and appointments. unfortunately, we haven’t been getting almost any. most of my class hasn’t cut their first client yet, including myself. it’s honestly kinda frustrating the morning gets so many more opportunities. I’m ready to cut!! I’m also nervous but it comes with the territory. today was a nice day at school. my classmate B asked me so many questions about my previous lives which was cool to be able to talk about a little. poor man definitely expected less complicated answers but that’s just not really in the cards for me. nothing’s ever a simple answer when it comes to myself. the lives I’ve lived are vast and detailed, chaotic and beautiful, and my stories deserve to be heard in their entirety. I truly am a fascinating person, I will admit. I appreciate that about myself. I’m cool and nice, whaaaat.

oh hey also, lowkey talking to a girl I’m gonna hook up with which is rad. that’s more for the added lore when I read back on these posts someday, but you’ll have to deal with it for now. it’ll be my first girl and her first enby so the newness will be an interesting thing to explore. I’m actually excited this time, not really too nervous, but it’s been a long time being gay and not hooking up with a girl.. it’s time. this will also be good for my healing around my ex and I’s intimate relationship. I’m ready to try being with someone else and opening myself up to new opportunities. I am sad to leave the past where it lays, but I also know it’s time to move on, get out of my shell, and get some hahah. this is so dumb, dear lordt. we do get to video chat tonight and see each other tomorrow and monday. we’re excited to meet each other. she’s studying studio art in junction, which is cool.

unfortunately, it’s another early day tomorrow, BUT I get to work with my boss instead so I’m looking forward to a more comfortable shift at doghouse. it’s a nice break from being wrong or in the way all the fuckin time. he’s so sweet too, he tells me all the time that I’m not a burden and I don’t have to apologize as much. my bosses really are amazing and I am so lucky to have them. I just wish I didn’t have to lean on them as much for support through all this coworker bullshit. tomorrow after doghouse, I’ve got a few hours of break between doghouse and the grove. there’s a local punk event happening in montrose so I might try to go, do some homework, and listen to some sick jamz bro. then grove at 4. hopefully I’ll be off at an okay time tomorrow to see the girl, though we’re meeting up pretty late anyway. much past my bedtime hahah.

but anyway, time to go, finish my bedtime routine. thanks for being here, guys. I’m grateful to have a way to update all of you at the same time and appreciate you all doing the work to read through it! I hope you all have had an amazing day, and if not, just remember, this big world will still cradle you tomorrow too. sleep well, yall.