today was emotionally rough. I did know it was coming, but the day finally got here. today marks one full year of me and my recent partner’s separation. it’s been a weird emotional day. I haven’t let out a lot of emotion but I have felt it deeply. listened to two songs on repeat today that allowed me to belt out some of those feelings (wildflowers by ethan raegan and live well by palace, in case you were wondering). this day has been creeping up on me for a few weeks now.

I have a lot of depth surrounding my love and relationship with this person. I do crave the attention, while at the same time, wishing I never reached out. not knowing where the other person stands is uncomfortable when you don’t even know where you stand. my head has swiveled all day trying to pick apart what I’m even feeling, much less what to do about it.

I have grown a lot in the past year. I’ve grieved just as much as I’ve loved. I might miss the partner, but I don’t miss who I was. I was not able to care for myself. my self change has been 180. I can rest now. I enjoy my freedom and my ability to be myself and learn about myself. I was not the person I wanted to be back then and wasn’t the partner I wanted to be either. I was doing a lot of damage to us both. we did a lot of damage to each other.

since then, I have grown into places where love is ever flowing, not begged for. I’ve been able to see more now than I was ever able to in my travels. this last fall, I traveled to the east coast. I began in arkansas and the goal was to get to salem, mass by halloween ( I did succeed in that). the same season, I traveled up to new york and over to rhode island to visit some very dear friends of mine. I remember being so upset that I was missing out on the east because “climbing conditions weren’t good” for the seasons we could have traveled there; too much rain. so I went. I sat in the rain. I saw the dense forests, visited multiple national parks, and hunted for mushrooms. I was free. I went where I pleased.

the sadness does return (though I’m not sure how much of that is just the depression brain) and when it does, I am stuck with a multitude of emtions. I spend time with my feelings now, we have little talks. I’m not alone, I will never be, because I am here for me.

these are the stuck emotions of today. otherwise, just work which was boring and a little frustrating not being able to do things right and getting corrected all the time. logic brain understands it’s helpful and communicative but emotion brain has rejection sensitivity. it’s a slow learning process. B did tell his wife C (owner of doghouse) that my latte art was good. I truthfully just got lucky the first time I poured for him but overall, my art is better than when I left coffee last year.

this is me being very grateful to have chosen to live the way I live. I’m at peace. I’m in my own space, doing whatever I need to in order to care for myself and enjoy my days. I get that freedom now.

cheers to the self I’ve worked hard to be this last year. I’m not angry and exhausted every day anymore. I am someone I am proud of now.