today I chose violence, but apparently against myself. early start morning, up at 5am, work from 6:30am until noon, school from 12:15 to 4, then back to work at the grove from 5-8:30pm plus whatever extra closing time on top of that. I didn’t get home until around 9 which isn’t bad, I was just ready to go home at 8. anyway, long day. these days are a lot for me. I know some people do this day in and day out and have the energy and motivation for it but I am not one of those people. I am a perpetually tired pigeon. I fully embody my alien karen and her catapillar kittens tattoo (exhausted all the time).

the day was weird. I actually got through it just fine, besides wanting to face plant at this very moment instead of talk to you guys. it started off rough at work but my coworker has actually been pretty nice to me today. it’s a good start but I still am so deeply emotionally exhausted around him, it’s not changing much for now. it was nice to have a good day at work though and not be totally anxious the whole day. I’m still dealing with the stress nausea unfortunately. pretty sure I will be for a while. this whole year is going to put me in the ground, I swear. I will be sleeping forever.

school went OKAY. not great truthfully but I got through it. we started perms today. we didn’t do all the chemicals yet, we just learned how to wrap. boy howdy was that a rough one. mine came out like SHIT. I am laughing about it now but holy hell it was a difficult skill to do for the first time. my patience was TESTED. thankfully I got through it just fine but a lot of cuss words were said, that’s for sure. all my classmate’s rolls looked SO much better than mine. I actually spent most of the time being really disappointed in my work. yes I am fully aware of the logical side of things and did all my positive affirmations, however, it’s still an uphill battle to keep myself above water without drowning in the immediate waves of sad. I’m working on it but it usually starts with me fighting my brain. I’m tired of that too. but anyway, got my perm rolled fully and taken out which is really nice cause I’ll have a clean slate tomorrow to finish up the last couple of tasks on my list to check off. I’ve only got one more blow dry with a round brush and a flat iron so I’m on the fast track on that one. also, one of my classmates got to do a haircut today which was super rad! very excited for him.

I got to share music with some of my classmates today which is super cool. sharing music is definitely a love language of mine. to me, it can be super exciting to share and receive new music from others around me so it’ll be cool to see what comes out of it. I did start a small playlist for one of my classmates and I and started throwing a lot of jams on. it’ll definitely be some weird stuff which I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes over. I’m so stoked to get to share. there are some really good ones on there so far.

after school, back to work, but at the grove. tonight was my first night alone there bartending which went well. it was definitely a slower pace than I’m used to when it came to my ability to crank out drinks, but it’s also a much fancier place than where I just came from. things are different. much higher end, much more necessity to put in the time to make the outcome good. besides that, I had fun. however, I was SO excited to get away from my coworker for the day, which was supposed to happen, except this mother fucker sat at the bar and had dinner and drinks which was terribly frustrating. he was much kinder to me but needed his hands in EVERYTHING. I’d ask another coworker something, who was the one clocked in and fully on shift, and the other one would butt in immediately to answer the question. the one, J we’ll call him, was trying to teach me a trick and mans really just kept trying to get in the middle, like dude.. we are not even doing the thing you’re trying to suggest. we are trying a completely different method, it’s okay for us to do that.. I don’t know, I’m just tired of the constant correction and everything must be one way when it definitely isn’t or doesn’t need to be. I’m just emotionally tired about it all.

the night was great otherwise. J is the sweetest human on the planet and he calls me love and is such a soft and gentle human with such bright, attractive energy. man is always smiling and in a good mood. and he’s helpful and willing to allow things to be done more than one way without it being a huge deal. it’s helpful to have that energy around and not the tight ship energy. I like to enjoy my days ya know?

my coworkers otherwise at the grove are amazing. they’ve all fallen easily into using my correct pronouns and ask me so many questions to make sure they’re respecting me. our head chef L has checked in with me so many times to make sure that he’s doing things right. like today, he asked me the gender neutral term for mr/mrs. in case you all didn’t know, it’s mx. (pronounced mix). it’s just been the coolest thing though to watch them all give a shit and try so hard. it makes my heart all happy. also, one of my other coworkers asked me for advice on her hair which was SO super cool to be able to offer the knowledge that I have to her. she might come in to be my model for hair school next friday! woot! I wish you all were closer. of course I miss you dearly, but I also want to cut your hairs.

speaking of, sorry I haven’t been reaching out to most of you. my down time takes over my whole being and I am out for the day once I can get to that point. I do love you all and think of you, please don’t think I have forgotten you! ya boy’s just not capable right now.

got home relatively late, it’s another early day tomorrow, not ready to deal with those consequences. thankfully I work in coffee! also, got to fully shut down the bar and espresso machine by myself today which was really nice to be able to have the freedom to do that at my own pace and be left alone to have the time to think. we test tomorrow, then I have to start on the next chapter, which is something like 112 sections.. so that’ll be my whole weekend.. thankfully I only have one long day like this a week but man, this homework is going to take me out this round. the school and work stress seems so menial considering that this big world around us exists.