hit a big low today. work was hard today, but mostly because of my brain (well and all the trained negative responses from my coworker). I was actually excited about work today because a new employee was coming in and it would just be us and the boss. it really didn’t go terribly, I just think I wanted to teach more and show off my knowledge and truly, more than anything, just help him feel less terrible than I did when I first arrived. he did well, but that was the hard part for me. when I was first hired, I wasn’t given the same opportunity or feedback, so naturally, he did pick things up faster. that really got to me because it felt like it took so long for me to catch up and get my head above water when I got here. I was also having a hard time with the fact that he had access to the espresso machine and making drinks his first day. first of all, he has basically zero coffee experience, which really throws me off cause I have years of experience but I wasn’t allowed to breathe near the machine for like, a month.. I did mess up a couple times teaching him things which was annoying but overall fine cause the boss handles things a lot better when mistakes are made. I don’t think I’m stupid, in fact, I think the exact opposite of myself, so when I’m seeing the noob picking things up faster, having a calmer time, and having access right away to things like the food and coffee, I wonder why I didn’t pick things up faster, why I had such a hard time, and why he’s been given more freedom than me, even though I have more experience. idk it just really got to me today and I shut down pretty hard, trying not to cry at work. my brain just plays “I promise I’m not stupid” on repeat. I promise I’m not that slow or incapable, I’m so capable, and that’s what bothers me the most.

otherwise, work went well. I really enjoy the noob, I’ve worked with him a few times at the grove and he’s super cool and just treats me like one of the guys almost. it’s really sweet. he’s trying hard on my pronouns and asks all sorts of questions. he daps me up to greet me and say goodbye which is super cool cause it feels like a bro thing and I’m not girl and that just feels so much better to me. it’s really sweet when people call me sir even though I’m not much man either. I guess I’m still just doing whatever makes me comfortable, labels not necessary. I had a regular come in and when I handed him his drink, he said “thanks sir, uh, ma’am, buddy..?” which was the most hilarious thing because one, it’s super affirming, and two, because this man has seen me since I started and he still didn’t know. just a cool moment in time.

school went well today. we did a lot more theory work than I wanted, but that’s fine. we learned the face map for shaving and how each part is to be shaved and with what stroke and direction. I think it’ll be easier over time but it’s super intimidating right now. finished up my perm, which turned out much better than previous attempts. I am using much smaller rods though and also doing a normal perm, not a specialty. class was enjoyable overall. it’s nice being able to hang out with my friends at school, have a small class, and get closer to them, especially since most of them are male, and so it’s cool being treated more like one of them than an outcast because my gender is different.

I took out my perm, which looked like shit, most likely not due to user error, however, I was told that if I could make it look nice, it could count towards an updo signature. I made it look way nicer than I expected, which was honestly a bit of a challenge. I did an asymmetrical do, poofy curls on one side, and a dutch braid on the other both coming into a bun on one side. it was pretty cool! definitely not one’s best work by any means but I did learn something and get creative.

after school, some of the guys invited me to hang out with them soon! they were going to just chill in the school parking lot and I was like dudes, just come to mine, it’s on the way to yours anyway, it’s more comfortable and we can participate in inebriation activities. we haven’t settled on something yet, but I’m hoping thursday they’ll come by and we can hang out. it’s an awesome moment to be able to be a part of their hang outs, but man, I definitely have scrambled to clean a little bit today, since I won’t be at home all day tomorrow, just in case.

I started getting pieces of my halloween costume which is SUPER exciting. everything is coming out nicely except these things that I thought were boots but just ended up being leg sleeves that attached to boots of your own. I might just go with it, since I have some black boots, but the rest of my stuff comes in over the next couple of days, so I’ll try everything on and see how it looks. I’m super stoked for halloween and really hope I get to go out and have some fun.

otherwise, had quite a hard time focusing on my school work when I got home but I tried to balance it and do what I felt I needed to do in the moment which mostly just involved getting up and moving. early day number two tomorrow which will be wonderful because the problem coworker will not be there, yay. gotta be able to take on this big world without issues for one day.. right?